


why do we climb to fall so far?

by weddingbells



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Hook-Up, M/M, Phone Sex, Sex, Sexting, Unrequited Love, Zayn leaving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-20 09:02:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12429486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weddingbells/pseuds/weddingbells
Summary: "no one here :(ni come on can we have some funill make u cum i promise"one night on tour niall receives a text from zayn. he's bored. and what starts after that is nothing he could ever expected.





	why do we climb to fall so far?

**Author's Note:**

> At first this was going to be a fun little phone sex fic, and then I got carried away and ended up with this. I want to say a huge thanks to Rand for beta-ing this and cheering me on so I could finish it, and to Niall for writing an album that is so obviously about Zayn this fic wrote itself, basically.

2013

_ “and all the lovers i have kissed, _

_ i think they wish i would have stayed” _

  
  


The first time it happens it’s after a show and Niall is pretty sure it must be a mistake. It’s 2013 and they have performed in Germany and Niall is back in his hotel room after too many pints and wondering how the fuck is he going to fly out tomorrow and not throw up. He is about to go to sleep, his clothes scattered all over the floor and it will be hell to pack it tomorrow (he doesn’t care). The thing that keeps him away is his phone beeping, signalling a text coming in and Niall can’t guess who would be texting him now. Liam was still in the bar when he left, he doesn’t want to even think about what Harry and Louis might be up to and Zayn, Zayn hadn’t even come with them to the bar. The crew never bothers them this late. So when Niall swipes right to open his phone he is very, very surprised to see the text from Zayn.

 

**What u wearin**

 

Niall’s eyes widen for a moment because is this Zayn trying to start some kind of flirting? Or is he referring to Niall maybe taking his shirt? Or is he just texting the wrong number, really was he supposed to text som bird he had picked up? Would have been typical. He hesitates, thinking about not texting anything back, but then before he even has time to, another text comes in.

 

**Niall? u awake**

 

So it is for him. Must be the stolen shirt then, because it can’t be anything else. Niall quickly types out.

 

**_I don’t have your shirt, check with Tommo !!_ **

 

**What**

**ni what u wearin come on**

 

Niall feels his heart beat a little bit faster. Why is Zayn texting him like this? It’s new and Niall hasn’t ever received texts like these from any guy, and he isn’t sure what to do. And it’s Zayn. But Niall is drunk, and therefore he doesn’t think much and he texts back, boldly.

 

**_only in me boxers, what bout it?_ **

 

It takes a while for Zayn to reply, so Niall wonders if maybe he already got bored, but then the text comes.

 

**hot.**

**wanna have some fun?**

 

If Niall’s heart was beating fast before this, it’s nothing to what it is doing now because what the actual fuck is Zayn doing?

 

**_what do you mean_ **

 

**i’m horny**

 

Niall almost falls backwards. It is not only the fact that the text says that (and he reads it multiple times just to make sure he didn’t misread it) but Zayn says it so casually. He says it as if he just stated he’s hungry and wants some fries. Niall doesn’t even know how to reply, so he sends the only thing he can come up with.

 

**_get laid then_ **

 

**no one here :(**

**ni come on can we have some fun**

**ill make u cum i promise**

 

Niall grunts now, not sure why but for some reason all these words are doing things to him and it feels extremely, extremely bad that he can feel his own cock growing just a bit interested with the way this conversation is going. He forces himself to ignore it for now though, thinking that if he is going to wank to the idea of Zayn doing anything, he is going to make sure it’s really, really something that he wants to do. 

 

**_how can you make me cum when you’re not here?_ **

 

He sends, boldly and then it’s too late to go back.

 

**oooh i have my ways ;)**

**u have to do what i say tho, can u do that?**

 

It’s just words. Only words. They shouldn’t turn Niall on like this but for some reason it still happens, and he can feel how he grows half hard just from the idea of Zayn giving him orders in person. Zayn, Zayn with those beautiful eyes, those cheekbones, the inked skin and the slender fingers.

 

**_yeah_ **

 

He texts back, unable to say anything else and apparently he doesn’t need to because Zayn has all the words, suddenly. 

 

**are u naked? get naked.**

**want u to touch urself ni**

**im touchin myself**

 

Niall lets out a groan, and he gets a hand on himself, wrapping long fingers around his half hard cock, the shaft already feeling warm. He gives himself a few tugs, thinking of Zayn spread out in his bed doing the same and he lets out another groan because, he’s thinking of Zayn. Niall won’t lie, of course he has looked at Zayn in the past every now and then, the boy is an absolute gorgeous angel, but he has never thought about Zayn in a sexual way before, honestly never, and it comes to him a lot easier than he thought it would. He thinks about Zayn’s fingers, those slender, long fingers that could so easily wrap around Niall’s cock, and his lips half parted and tongue trailing them, the way he does sometimes on stage when he manages a particular good high note. Niall gasps, closing his eyes as his hand move faster and then only opens them when his phone buzzes again.

 

**i take the silence as you enjoyin urself ;)**

 

Niall wants to flip him off but it doesn’t work like that when Zayn isn’t here so instead he grabs his phone with his one free hand, texting a quick

 

**_yeah yeah are u?_ **

  
  


**yah thinkin about u doin it**

**bet ur good with ur mouth**

**wanna show u how good i am sometime ;)**

**id get on my knees for u in seconds ni**

**id have u cryin to cum and forget ur name**

**id make u feel so good**

 

Niall cries out loudly at that because fucking hell, Zayn wastes no time giving everything at once, and it has him blushing too because god, how can Zayn so easily say all of that? Niall wonders if he should send something back, but his blood is all rushing in the direction of his cock, all he can focus on his how it feels like he is this close to coming just from these texts and he isn’t sure what that says about him. Maybe it is because he drank too much beer. Maybe it’s just some kind of vibe Zayn gives off.

 

**u close? im close**

**wish i could see u rn**

**look so pretty as always**

**cum for me ill come for u**

 

Niall flicks his thumb over the slit, it is easy to imagine Zayn’s tongue there, so easy to see Zayn drop to his knees for him and Niall’s back arches off the bed, and he gasps, panting when he can’t hold it in anymore and he comes. It’s a combination of all things, the texts, the idea of Zayn in the same position that gets him there. He can’t remember the last time he came this hard just from his own hands on him, and he needs a few moments before he can text anything back.

 

**_fuck_ **

 

**so u liked it ;)**

 

**_mhm_ **

**_ur crazy_ **

 

**u know it. sweet dreams <3**

 

Niall gets no more texts after that and he wonders when he wipes his come off his body just what the fuck happened, but then exhaustion reminds him that it exists too, and Niall falls asleep before he can think more about it.

  
  
  


Niall worries that the next day maybe things will be awkward, but when they arrive at the airport Zayn greets him like any other time, and then he takes a seat next to Liam, and it’s as if last night never happened. Maybe Niall was drunk. He has almost convinced himself that he for sure must have dreamed it all when he gets a text when they get off the plane.

 

**u look like u got it good last night ;)**

**lemme know when u wanna go again xx**

  
  
  


**

  
  


The second time, Niall knows it isn’t a mistake but he is still surprised it happens again. For sure he would have thought Zayn would move on from it, despite flirty texts, but then one night a text comes in and it starts. They text back and forth again, and it is almost no surprise to Niall now when he opens snapchat to a picture of Zayn, he looks gorgeous and tired, and Niall can see his naked chest and he imagines that maybe, maybe Zayn isn’t wearing much at all but he can’t see that and the picture disappears too quickly. He thinks about replaying it, but he doesn’t want to. The last thing he needs is for Zayn to see that. So instead, Niall snaps him a picture as well, the same position and waits for a reply. 

 

**you’re gorgeous**

 

Niall blushes. It’s silly, probably, to do so, but he can’t believe how he could not when Zayn tells him that. 

 

**wanna facetime?**

 

It’s probably a really, really bad idea and Niall is nervous, but he is also curious, too curious for his own good probably and he wants to see what Zayn is doing. Wants to see what Zayn looks like behind the texts, wants to see how he looks when he is turned on. 

So Niall accepts, and the picture is frozen for a moment before Zayn comes into view. He is smirking, not at all looking like he feels the same way Niall is feeling right now - blushing, awkward, a bit nervous about the whole thing. Zayn looks like this is as normal as any phone call. For a moment Niall wonders just how much experience he has with these kind of things. He doesn’t want to know, he really doesn’t want to know so he pushes those thoughts out of his mind and just focus on what is happening.

 

Niall can only see Zayn’s face and part of his chest and it kind of calms Niall down a little bit because he was not ready for anything else, texting is one thing but if Zayn had thought that they could maybe show more than this, he probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

 

“Hey,” Zayn whispers, and his voice is absolutely not like it is when they are around others. It makes Niall’s whole mouth go dry and water at the same time. “You’re pretty.”

 

Niall blushes and for a moment actually has to look away from Zayn just to not show him exactly how easily his words can affect him. 

 

“Hey, don’t look away babe,” Zayn chuckles, and moves on his bed and Niall looks back, biting his lip.

 

“I’m nervous,” he admits before he can stop himself and he wants to  _ die _ , who the fuck even says that? He is too awkward.

 

Zayn only smirks though, doesn’t seem to mind one bit when he licks his lips slowly. 

“That’s okay, we don’t have to do anything,” he murmurs, and Niall’s heart beats even faster. “We can just talk.”

 

“Uhm…” Niall wishes he remembered any kind of words of the English language, or any language for that matter. Talking will be difficult if he can’t even form a normal sentence. “I…”

 

“Wanna know what I would do if we weren’t just talking though?” Zayn asks, and Niall inhales sharply and nods before he can stop himself. 

 

“I wanna undress you… slowly…” Zayn starts, and if it’s possible his voice gets deeper with each word, and Niall can feel his cock twitch, and it’s really not fair how Zayn has this way to just get him to feel this way without doing much of anything. “I wanna kiss all over your gorgeous body… lick your neck… kiss you until you can’t breathe and then when you gasp, begging for me to touch you I will straddle you… slowly sink down on your cock until you’re all the way in and…”

 

“Zayn, fucking hell,” Niall whimpers and he could cry, he has never been this turned on before in his life and he has never actually even done anything of the things Zayn is currently describing.

 

“Bet you’d make me feel so good, Ni,” Zayn continues, and the way his voice sounds, shaky but put together, Niall can’t help but get a hand on himself, slowly stroking his hardening cock as he listens to that voice speaking to him as if he is the only thing on his mind.

Niall wonders how that would be, to actually be the only thing on Zayn’s mind all the time. Maybe he can be for now, anyway. 

 

“I wouldn’t let you cum right then though..” Zayn continues. Niall can tell that he is touching himself too, and it only makes it better to know that even if he can’t see, and Niall can feel his own pre-come leaking onto his sheets. Zayn’s voice should be illegal, Niall has often thought so even on stage that he is too good to be true but hearing Zayn’s voice like this is even more, even better.

 

“N-no?” Niall asks, then feeling bold so he adds. “Why not, babe?”

 

Zayn smirks, licking his lips slowly. 

 

“Because I want you to cum all over my face… want you to moan and want to get it all over me, want to taste you, want to…”

 

“Fuck,” Niall cries out and he doesn’t care how he looks, or if Zayn will judge him for coming too soon, or of anything other than that the picture painted for him is turning him on more than he ever thought someone could turn him on. He comes hard, gasping, dropping his phone down on the floor when his whole body trembles with his orgasm. Flat on his back he tries to catch his breath, painting as he sees stars in front of him, wondering how it’s possible for someone to have this effect on him. It shouldn’t be this easy for him. It shouldn’t.

It takes a while, then he hears Zayn’s amused voice.

 

“Niall? You okay?”

 

“Shit,” Niall curses and he reaches down, picking up his phone and the view now is even better, Zayn’s lips look slightly swollen as if he has been biting them hard, and his pupils are darker than before and he looks a bit as if he is struggling with his breath too.

 

“You look hot when you cum, good to know,” Zayn licks his lip and arches an eyebrow, and Niall blushes. He isn’t sure what to say in response, if he should say ‘you too’ or if he should just be quiet, and he doesn’t have time to say anything anyway because Zayn yawns.

 

“Mmm, this was fun too, we should do it again sometime. See you tomorrow? Ready for a new show,” Zayn grins, and then he hangs up as if they had just been talking about guitars or vocals, not had each other come undone, messy and thoroughly. 

 

Niall stares at his phone for a good while after, wondering just what the hell it is they have started.

  
  


**

  
  


The third time Niall knows Zayn is high as a kite, he saw him smoke before they left the arena in Miami and he is sending a picture now and Niall’s eyes widen. Zayn is naked and his eyes are dark,his hand his around his cock, it’s big and hard and Niall can see  _ all  _ of it. Zayn has never sent him any pictures like this before, but  Niall doesn’t have time to react much to it before Zayn calls him, and Niall picks up with what’s supposed to be a  _ ‘hi’ _ turns more into a moan.

 

“You looked so fucking good tonight,” Zayn’s voice is low, it’s dripping with seduction and Niall is so, so glad his bed is near so that he can lay down because he is weak in the knees already. “God, when you picked up that bottle of water… bent over so nicely… I wanted to jump you right there what the fuck, Niall.”

 

Niall only lets out a groan first, then he moans softly.

“Zee…”

 

“And those fucking fingers. Your hands. Fuck they’re so big, and you play that guitar… fuck, I could only think about having those fingers inside me.”

 

Niall’s moan turns into a whimper before he can stop it. He’s never done anything like this before with anyone, he has never wanted anyone the way he wants Zayn and it’s almost scary in a way. It feels as if he needs it to live, as if Zayn’s voice when he tells him that he wants him is a drug he has grown addicted to. 

 

“Send me a picture, please babe,” Zayn murmurs. “Want something pretty to look at when I toss off, please, please.”

 

Niall lets out a little whimper and part of him is nervous over the fact that he has never ever sent anyone a dirty picture before, and also that he will never look as good as Zayn does, no comparison.

 

“Niall, please,” Zayn asks, a soft gasp following. “Please you’re so pretty I just want to see you, please.”

 

Niall grunts but then he opens his jeans, his hard-on easily seen through the silk fabric of his boxers and he thinks that it’s at least better than nothing so he snaps a picture, sending that to Zayn without thinking much more about it. He can hear Zayn check it and then a soft moan which Niall hopes his a good reaction.

 

“You’re such a little tease,” Zayn murmurs. “You always like this?”

 

“Only with you,” Niall mumbles back which is true in more ways than one and Zayn snickers. 

 

“You’re big,” he murmurs. “Wish I could be on you right now… wish you could fuck me up completely… or I could have my fingers in you until you cry, begging for more…”

 

Niall moans softly.

“Zayn…”

 

“How many can you fit inside you?” Zayn mumbles. “Wanna see how many I can fit?”

 

Niall doesn’t have time to say anything before he hears a new picture being snapped, and when he sees a new notification and sees it, he almost drops his phone again. It’s Zayn’s fingers, three of them, buried deep inside his ass and Niall has never, ever seen anything like that before like this, and knowing it’s Zayn makes his heart go faster and his skin turn hot and he gets ten times harder. 

 

“Fuck look at you,” he moans, and Zayn hums, very pleased. Niall wonders if he’s  moving them, thinks about Zayn’s fingers in and out of himself so easily. Thinks about Zayn having his fingers in Niall. Wonders how it would feel.

 

“Are you touching yourself?” Zayn mumbles, his voice so seductive Niall wonders where he learned to speak like this. “Got any lube? You should finger yourself babe, want to hear what you sound like with fingers buried in your ass… bet you sound so wrecked when you do.”

 

Niall scurries to his drawer, knowing he’s got some lube there and sighs happily when he finds it. Though, as he makes it back to bed and drops his boxers, he realises he has never really tried anything like this before and he is for a moment nervous, but then he hears Zayn’s breathing in the phone and he goes back to just being turned on.

 

“Keep talking to me,” he tells him as he lubes his fingers up, carefully pressing one against his hole. It feels weird, and he moves his position to get it easier, and when he push the tip of his finger inside and already feels the stretch, a soft moan escapes his lips.

 

“Fuck, god, you sound amazing,” Zayn moans on the other end and Niall wishes he was here, he wishes he could see him. “God, video call?”

 

Niall agrees before he can think that maybe he will make a fool out of himself in front of Zayn now. He wants to see him, needs to see him. 

 

When the call connects the view is amazing, Zayn is spread out on the bed and as much as Niall can see, looking absolutely wrecked from touching himself. Niall can’t see his fingers going inside him, but the way Zayn’s face looks; lips slightly parted, eyes shut, moans coming from his mouth it paints a pretty good image anyway, enough to have him push his own finger into himself, past the knuckle. It’s amazing, but it’s even more amazing to look at Zayn, and Niall is so turned on he wonders if it’s possible to actually explode from it. 

 

“Wanna cum in you… wanna eat you out… fuck, wanna drive you insane…” Zayn moans, and Niall can see him wrapping a hand around his cock now, stroking himself. It’s quite the view, for sure, and Niall finds himself staring. “Wanna find out all your kinks babe, everything that gets you going, we can try everything.”

“Z…” Niall cries out, and he needs him, wants him, he’s never wanted anyone this badly before. “Fuck, I want you to…”

 

“Cum babe, okay?” Zayn moans softly into the phone now. “Cum, I wanna hear you again. You sound so amazing when you cum…”

 

Niall never thought he could come on demand but when Zayn sounds like that, when Zayn himself sounds so close to the edge, it’s almost impossible not to. He pulls his fingers out of himself and wraps his fingers around his cock instead, stroking himself quick and trying to keep his eyes open so he can watch Zayn do the same and then he comes with a cry, his whole body trembling again from just the view, the sounds, the idea of Zayn. 

 

“God, you’re the best…” Zayn says, sounding almost drunk when he speaks and Niall’s heart starts beating faster at that.

 

“... I am?”

 

“Mhm…” Zayn murmurs, his eyes are closed and he looks tired and spent, and Niall feels the same but now he can’t stop thinking of those words. “Of course…”

 

Niall bites his lip, he knows he is just saying anything right now, probably, maybe, could be. 

“I gotta go, thanks, this was good,” Zayn says suddenly before Niall can say anything and he gives Niall a flirty wink. “Thanks for getting me off, was going crazy there for a moment. See you in the morning!”

 

Niall can’t believe he is getting used to this.

 

**

 

When they end the tour, Niall knows more about Zayn than he ever thought he would know about him. He wonders if he should ask Zayn why they keep doing this and if it’s become something more than just intense sexting and phone sex for 6 months, but then tour ends and Zayn leaves with some girl Niall doesn’t know, and even if it’s been no surprise to him all this time that Zayn has had others, he still feels some kind of way about it. They haven’t touched, not once other than hugs on stage and the normal things with the other lads, yet Niall feels he’s never been this intimate with anyone before. Ever. Maybe that’s why it hurts to see Zayn leave with someone else, maybe that’s why Niall wants to scream that he should leave with him. Could be.

 

“Good tour lads, good tour,” Louis wraps an arm around Niall before they are about to head home, all back to theirs. “But please don’t contact me for at least a week, I’m tired of your faces.”

 

“Hey,” Harry pouts, and Louis rolls his eyes, giving him a kiss on the cheek. 

 

“Not you.”

“We’re feeling the love,” Liam says with a light punch to Louis’ arm. “You’re an ass.”

 

“Hey, at least I didn’t leave right away to go fuck someone like Mr. Malik did,” Louis defends himself and Liam laughs as Niall looks away, biting his lip.

 

They all hug.

 

“No, for sure not,” Niall says, and then excuses himself from Louis’ grip. “I’m gonna go, catch a taxi, I’ll talk to you guys soon when it’s back to the studio.”

  
  
  


Niall makes it home and then his phone beeps, and he looks at the text coming in.

 

**do you miss me? ;)**

 

He thinks for a moment about not replying, or to say yes and look like a fool, but then he sighs and sends.

 

**_you wish xx_ **

 

And it starts all over again.

 

2014

_ “and you never were, and you never will _

_ be mine” _

 

When Niall was younger than he is now, he always thought he would be one to have some kind of boundaries, or know right from wrong, or when you shouldn’t do certain things. And he for sure thought that getting involved with someone he works with was what he wouldn’t be doing. To be professional, or what he could call it. Yet, when they have a break and then get started working on the new album, promo and start the next tour, Niall finds himself very curious to see if the thing with Zayn will continue.

 

After all, it can’t be so bad to do what they do. They just text. Call. Nothing else.

 

Niall knows what Zayn likes, and it’s turning him on that he does know that. Niall is not stupid, knows very well that Zayn is out with everyone else having fun, hooking up, but they keep texting, there is the occasional video chat, and there is just something in Niall’s stomach that feels some kind of way when  _ he _ is the one Zayn chooses to text. He has no claim on him, whatsoever, but when he is the one that makes Zayn come, when he is the one that Zayn calls pretty, Niall feels something in his stomach and he knows, he shouldn’t. But he can’t stop. 

 

He ignores that very well until one night when they are all cramped in their tour bus, just relaxing after the last show of the first leg of tour, and drinking some cheap beer Liam picked up somewhere that tastes like crap, but is still beer. It’s a lovely night, Niall thinks, and he enjoys it all very much until Louis moves from his chair and instead seats himself on Zayn. Zayn wraps his arms around him, and Niall can see how his nose nuzzles against Louis’ neck and  _ shit _ .

 

“Oi, Zayn, hands,” Louis laughs, moving a bit on Zayn’s lap but he doesn’t seem to make any move to actually move out of the touch. Zayn smirks.

 

“What, you like it.”

 

“Shut up, ass.”

 

Niall can hear just how drunk Louis is, the way he only allows himself to be after a show like this, where they really went all out, and it’s nothing new. 

 

It just bothers him this time, for the first time, to see Zayn’s hands all over Louis and Louis so eagerly leaning into the touch it’s basically like they are having foreplay in front of Niall which, he really has a problem with.

 

And isn’t Louis with Harry anyway? Niall thinks, taking another beer and takes a big sip from it, gripping the bottleneck hard because he can’t strangle anyone else.

 

It sucks, this jealous beast inside him. It tears him apart and he doesn’t know why. Or maybe he does, because why isn’t his hands on Zayn? Why isn’t he on Zayn’s lap?

Niall feels that he might hate Louis a little bit right now, and it makes him feel guilty. Louis doesn’t know what Zayn and Niall have been doing. He doesn’t know that Niall is the biggest idiot, clearly. 

 

But Niall grips his bottle even harder anyway.

 

“Oi, what did the beer do?”

 

Harry appears suddenly next to him, he motions to the beer bottle Niall is clearly gripping so hard his knuckles go white, and Niall clears his throat, fixing his grip.

 

“Nothing,” he mutters. It’s a strange new feeling, being jealous. Niall isn’t sure he’s ever felt this way before, never let anyone get close enough to have him feel this way about them. Which only makes it more ridiculous because Zayn isn’t close. He’s not close at all. Niall has no claim on him. They are nothing, and have been nothing that could allow him to feel this way.

 

Harry keeps looking at him though, stubborn as always and finally Niall sighs.

 

“You and Louis didn’t break up did you?”

 

Harry laughs out loud and shakes his head.

 

“No, we didn’t, why do you ask?”

Niall is quiet for a bit, not sure how to ask this without giving away too much on how he feels. He isn’t ready for anyone to know, he knows firsthand just how complicated things get when you talk about it to too many people. 

 

Harry keeps staring at him though, and then he follows Niall’s eye, and arches an eyebrow and Niall knows he can’t be quiet any longer.

 

“It doesn’t bother you?” Niall finally asks, and Harry shrugs and shakes his head.

 

“No, I know he loves me, this is just him playing, they won’t do anything, and at the end of the day he’s mine, you know? It’s not gonna change.”

 

“Yeah,” Niall mumbles, wondering what that must be like because Zayn isn’t his, he never was, and he clearly never had any intention of being his. Harry looks puzzled.

 

“Wait, Ni, does it bother you?”

 

“No,” Niall says a bit too quickly, and it’s too late anyway because Harry’s eyes widen.

 

“Are you into Zayn?!”

 

Niall laughs nervously.

 

“Hah! Into Zayn, of course I’m not.”

 

“You’re into Zayn,” Harry stares at him, and he looks surprised, shocked, all at once and Niall knows that he can’t lie about this. 

 

“Shut up,” he says instead, taking a huge gulp of his beer. Harry shakes his head.

 

“Oh my god, I had no idea, does he know?”

 

“I’m not…” Niall doesn’t want Harry to get the idea that he is somehow into Zayn, when they have done nothing apart from sending dirty pictures and texts and Zayn doesn’t really look at him differently when they are really together. But he knows Harry is not going to buy that, and he knows that he isn’t about to sit here and explain all that to Harry, so instead he just sighs. 

 

“No, no he doesn’t know.”

 

Harry nudges his side softly.

 

“I can talk to Louis, you know… I can get him to stop, he won’t do this if he knows…”

 

“No,” Niall says quickly and he grips Harry’s wrist now, hard, to really make him understand how serious this is. “You’re not telling Louis, you’re not. Okay? Never.”

“Ni…” Harry almost looks a bit scared, there’s shock on his face and Niall isn’t sure why, if it’s because Niall is reacting this way or because Harry has never kept anything from Louis. 

 

“I’m…”

 

“If you tell him, we’re done, okay? I’m not talking to you ever again. I mean it Harry. If you talk to Louis about it, Zayn will find out and I will know it’s your fault. And I won’t ever fucking forgive you okay? You can’t tell him. I can’t have him find out.”

 

“Christ, Ni, you’re scaring me,” Harry says and Niall realises he is taking it too far and he sighs, letting go of Harry’s wrist as he falls back in his chair. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, shaking his head. “I just really can’t… I can’t have him find out. Anything. I just can’t. It’s not.. we’re not… please.”

 

“Okay,” Harry mumbles. “Okay, Ni I promise. I won’t tell Louis and… I won’t tell anyone. I swear.”

 

Niall feels like crying and he doesn’t know why.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Harry squeezes his hand.

 

“If you ever wanna talk though…”

 

“I know where to find you,” Niall finishes for him. “Thanks, Harry.”

  
  


When he gets back to his room, he thinks about maybe just not replying if Zayn would text him again. But as soon as Zayn does, he is replying just as he did before.

  
  


**

  
  


Niall knows he’s got it bad when it becomes a habit to text Zayn when he’s in bed, and he knows he should stop replying when Zayn sends him inappropriate texts at the worst times, but he can’t stop. He knows it’s even worse when he starts remembering places they’ve seen on tour with what kind of conversation him and Zayn had after, and it’s filling him with all sorts of feelings he shouldn’t have. They text and then Zayn is off with someone else, and every time Niall wonders if maybe they should talk about what they are doing in person, he always chickens out.

 

Zayn never shows any intention of talking about it either, so Niall gives up.

 

He wishes he could stop the feelings though, when it feels like something is ripping him apart inside when he sees Zayn with anyone else. 

And he knows it means he’s falling for him, falling for him hard, but he thinks it’s too late to stop it.

 

all he does is crave it more, and when they have their video calls where they both come apart from just the other’s words, Niall wonders just how he is going to ever find this with anyone else. Because as Zayn moves on to something else, Niall is just waiting for him to come back.

  
  


**

 

They are in Las Vegas, and Niall is tired. They spend the night at a Vegas hotel, not one of the biggest ones and if Niall had any energy he would go out for the slots but he doesn’t. Zayn hasn’t texted him for a week and Niall has not texted him either, he doesn’t know why but it bothers him. 

 

Niall comes back to the hotel later than the others, and looks around only to be told they might be getting something to eat. He sighs, deciding to go find them before he go back to the room.

 

“Where is Zayn?” Niall asks when he finds Liam, Harry and Louis in the hotel restaurant. It’s empty, mostly, apart from them and Niall find it comforting. Louis shrugs. He is sitting in Harry’s lap as if there are no chairs available, Liam looks like he really wants to make fun of him for it but he doesn't.

 

“Picked up some bird, think they went to his room, he’ll be done in ten minutes or something, ay?” He grins, very pleased with his joke and goes in for a fistbump with Liam who gives one back with a knowing laugh.

 

“Ay, good one Tommo.”

 

Harry though, would probably have laughed too if this was any other time. But it isn’t. Harry can see Niall’s face before he has the time to hide the hurt and Harry doesn’t laugh.

 

“What?” Louis looks at both of them. “Oh come on I was only messing! He’s not that bad in bed, he shouldn’t be considering how much…”

 

“Louis, honey, be quiet,” Harry murmurs, and if Louis wonders why he doesn’t ask, because Harry kisses him quickly before he can. 

 

“Niall, do you want something to eat?” Liam asks, looking to the kitchen after seeing Niall’s face. “Seems like you could use something to eat, and the kitchen is still…”

 

“Uh, I forgot something, I’m gonna just…” Niall waves, and then he motions to the stairs and walks out of the restaurant.

 

He is almost by the lifts, when Harry catches up with him.

 

“Niall…” Harry says, grabbing his arm. He looks very guilty when he meets Niall’s eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay? I’m sorry about that in there, you know he just…”

 

“No, no, it’s perfectly fine,” Niall quickly shakes his head. “I know how it is, I know what he does, I’m not stupid Harry.”

 

Harry tilts his head. He looks like he just had to watch someone kick a puppy. 

 

“You sure you don’t want to get something to eat? They have good tapas.”

Niall grimaces.

 

“No, I’m… I forgot… to be hungry,” Niall says and Harry looks even sadder.

 

“But if you…”

 

“Harry, please,” Niall pleads. He can’t talk about this. He doesn’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing to talk about, he has been doing this thing with Zayn for so long and it’s never been anything but texts and calls when there’s no one else around but maybe, maybe he had just been hoping it would change. Or that at least Zayn wouldn’t pick up random girls when Niall is right there. Harry doesn’t look like he wants to give up, but then he backs away.

 

“Okay,” he says, and he looks so sad. “Okay, I get it, I do, just… please, please if there’s anything I can do…”

 

“I know,” Niall whispers and then he is rushing into the lift, pressing the button for his floor. 

 

He walks quickly down the corridor once he is on the right floor, ready to get away when he notices someone in the end of the hall, clearly smoking out through a window.

 

“Zayn,” Niall says, surprised to say the least that Zayn is there. Zayn spins around, looking absolutely freaked before he sees that it’s Niall and he takes a relieved breath.

 

“Thank fuck I thought it was someone in charge or something.”

 

Niall arches an eyebrow.

 

“You’re not supposed to smoke in here,” he points to the sign that says ‘no smoking’, and Zayn rolls his eyes, holding the cigarette out through the window again.

 

“‘m not, see?”

Niall sighs but then he bits his lip, awkwardly moving back and forth as if he doesn’t know what to say.

 

“I’m uh, Louis said you were in your room... that you… scored.” he kicks himself inwardly for saying something like that. If he could be anymore awkward, he might just cease to exist. 

 

Zayn looks at him but then shakes his head. 

 

“No, I didn’t.”

 

“Oh,” Niall hopes it can’t be seen on his face how relieved he is about that. “Uhm, well, good night then.”

 

He is almost at his door when Zayn catches up with him.

 

“Can we talk?”

 

Niall blinks, surprised.

 

“Uhm, yeah sure. You wanna… come in?”

 

Zayn nods. Niall opens the door and they both walk in, Zayn sitting down on the edge of his bed. It strikes Niall that Zayn hasn’t been on his bed like this, since they started what they have been doing. 

 

They are quiet, and then Zayn sighs.

 

“I don’t feel so good,” he says, finally and Niall blinks, a bit surprised.

 

“Huh? Like, you’re ill or something?” he asks. Zayn shakes his head.

 

“No… not like I’m ill. I just feel… I don’t know, empty I guess.”

Niall glances over at him again, nervously playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Empty?”

“Yeah like… nothing matters, I guess? I don’t know,” Zayn lets out a little nervous laughter. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about this right? Living the life and all. Maybe we should go out and get laid don’t you think?”

“Z, come on, you wanted to talk,” Niall tries to get him back on the subject and not feel sad that Zayn doesn’t think that maybe they could do something, if he wanted to get laid. Besides, he has never seen Zayn like this before. Zayn sighs.

“It’s fine, really. I just… I guess I thought a bit too much, that’s all. Maybe we have been working too hard?”

“Yeah, it’s been a rough tour,” Niall agrees and he suddenly feels more relaxed talking. “But we have each other, right? And that’s good, that we don’t have to go through it alone when it gets rough.”

Zayn smiles softly.

“Yeah.”

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Niall asks and then he blushes. “Not just, about…”

Zayn clears his throat and Niall feels stupid, it’s the closest they have ever come to talk about the other things they do. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up.

It’s quiet for a while.

“Thanks,” Zayn finally says. “I’ll remember that… and you know, thanks for not laughing.”

Niall shakes his head.

“Any time. And I’ll never laugh. You know that.”

Zayn leans in and gives him a hug.

“Thanks, Ni.” 

Niall feels like he has trouble breathing.

“No problem.”

  
  
  


They have five more talks like that before the end of the year. If Niall feels something is changing, he ignores it. Zayn still texts him when he wants to get off, and Niall clings to the fact that he tells him he wants him as if it’s all that is keeping him sane.

 

2015

_ “and I should but I can’t, _

_ let you go” _

  
  


2015 starts off great and then it all turns to shit very quickly.

 

When Zayn leaves One Direction, Niall doesn’t find out before anyone else does. They sit in an ugly room, that’s all Niall can think, it’s so fucking ugly and there are too many people there and Zayn is leaving, he doesn’t even say anything, doesn’t look at either of them. It’s as if they’re going through a meeting like every other meeting, as if the world isn’t changing, life isn’t changing and Niall thought at least he would get something else than this.

He feels everything at once, he feels it’s out of the blue, and he wonders if he should have seen it coming, wonders if those times Zayn came to talk to him it meant this was coming but Niall doesn’t know. He could never picture it to be this, and when he looks over at Zayn, Zayn looks almost bored with the meeting, and when it’s over he leaves before they do and Louis, Harry and Liam all seems ready to either cry or punch something and Niall can’t handle it. He can’t deal. He doesn’t want to deal so before he can have anyone grab him, try to talk to him, he runs down the hallway, back to their hotel, trying to remember how to breathe properly.

 

He feels like he’s going to be sick. He leans against the wall, feeling like the whole world is about to give up underneath him. Zayn is leaving. And he sat there, as if it was nothing. And all those times Niall’s been talking to him, after everything, he never said a word like this. Didn’t give a hint that he could actually be thinking of leaving. Niall closes his eyes, trying to replay the conversations in his head, but he can’t. He can’t remember anything Zayn said that would lead to this.

 

All he remembers is Zayn sitting there, acting as if this was nothing to him, and Niall’s body fills with anger as he walks towards Zayn’s room without thinking about what he is doing. 

 

When he gets to the room, it looks like Zayn is just about to head out and Niall walks up to him without thinking, pushing him to the wall before he can stop himself, closing the door behind them. He is pretty sure people could hear them anyway, but at least this feels more private. Niall might be angry but he doesn’t want a scene.

 

“So there’s that?” Niall asks, his heart beating in his chest. “You’re leaving? Just like that? Like nothing?”

Zayn says nothing. Then he shrugs, and Niall explodes.

“You could have told m… you could have told us!” Niall yells, saving it in the last minute how he was about to say ‘me’, as if there is something special between them. He should know there isn’t. “Before we had to find out from them. You could have told us yourself and not be a fucking coward.”

“So?” Zayn is cold, he looks at Niall as if it doesn’t matter and it pisses Niall off so much he can’t believe it. He feels like his world is falling apart. He want to punch him. He wants to hurt him. Wants to do something so that it can at least look like Zayn is feeling pain even remotely close to what it is Niall is feeling right now. “Does it matter? I’m leaving. Fuck matters who tells who.”

“You’re… you’re such a fucking dick!” Niall yells, and he pushes Zayn this time. “How could you do this? How could you do this when you said… we all said… we’re in this together! We’re a band, Zayn! Did you ever stop and think about how it affects us? These are our lives too! And you drop this on us out of the blue? You could have come to us! We could have fixed things. Or you could at least have the fucking decency to tell us before you let our fucking management tell us. We’re friends! I thought you fucking cared but guess I was wrong, huh? You’re just a selfish, worthless piece of shit, I hate you!” He spits the last part out, his breath heavy now when he tries to not cry. 

Zayn just stares at him. His face is as a stone, and he doesn’t seem to have any reaction to any of the things Niall just said.

“Are you done?” he asks, finally, and Niall isn’t sure what to say.

“What the fuck,” he shakes his head, and walks towards the door. “What the fuck.”

He is almost out of the room when Zayn grabs his arm. Niall is about to tell him to let him go and never talk to him again, when Zayn pulls him even closer.

There is something changing in his eyes, and Niall can’t look away, and he can’t look away when Zayn’s other hand grips his shirt. Niall isn’t sure how, but he can feel things are changing, and he has always thought it was a myth but he can feel the heat radiating off Zayn’s body when Niall moves in a step closer.

“Fuck you,” Niall whispers, and Zayn moves.

It hits Niall they have never touched like this before. They haven’t touched at all. He’s seen Zayn naked, hard, he’s seen Zayn with fingers buried so deep inside him Niall wonders how he can reach, he’s seen Zayn come all over himself with Niall’s name rolling over his lips but he’s never had Zayn’s hands on him. It’s been 2 years and he knows exactly what Zayn is into, every single one of his kinks, what gets him going, what he likes and what he looks like when he is horny but they have never, ever touched.

Zayn pushes him up against the wall. It’s rough in ways Niall never had it rough before, and he doesn’t mind, he doesn’t care, he wishes Zayn could give him more, he wishes he could have him everywhere at once. His hands tug at Zayn’s shirt, worried the fabric might rip when he gets too eager but really, he doesn’t care about that either. All he cares about is that under all those layers of clothing is Zayn’s skin, the skin he’s been wanting to get his hands on for years and he isn’t sure how to handle this. He doesn’t know what to do. He wonders if Zayn knows what to do, if Zayn has experience of pushing boys up against walls, pressing his crotch against theirs before pushing a thigh between their knees, but Niall doesn’t want to know that. He gasps instead, tilts his head when Zayn kisses down his neck and starts riding Zayn’s leg as if it’s his last lifeline.

“Z…” Niall gasps out and Zayn kisses him. Niall sees stars. Zayn kisses the same way he goes about in life, like it’s so easy for him, casual, but yet he manages to make Niall go weak in the knees as he wraps his arms around his neck, pulling himself up and Zayn so easily follows, his hands hooked under his ass as he lifts Niall up in his arms. Niall whimpers into the kiss, there’s tongue and teeth everywhere and Niall is so hard, he is so upset, so turned on, he is everything at once like he always feels with Zayn. 

Zayn carries him over to the bed, laying him down and crawls on top of him with a smirk when he breaks the kiss to look down at Niall, slowly grabbing the bottom his shirt to pull it over his head. The reveal of Zayn’s naked torso, the inked skin, everything is all Niall has been dreaming of to touch for years - it drives him insane. 

“Fuck,” he moans and Zayn moves to undress him completely, wasting no time revealing more and more skin until they are both naked in front of each other and Niall bites his lip, suddenly feeling extremely nervous. Zayn is perfect, Zayn is a god and Niall can’t help but feel like nothing.

Though, Zayn doesn’t look at him like that. Zayn looks at Niall with eyes that makes it seem that Niall is everything on his mind and it calms Niall down. 

Zayn’s hand softly moves over Niall’s body but then, when his hand wraps around Niall’s cock, it’s rough, greedy and Niall moans out when he finally, finally feel those fingers on him.

“I’m gonna fuck you,” Zayn mumbles, reaching for the side of his bed where he fishes out condoms and lube. “Just so you know.”

“Shit,” Niall whimpers, his whole world spinning and he can’t believe they are doing this. “Shit.”

Zayn moves slowly now, it makes Niall see everything he does as if he knows it does things to him, and Niall can’t believe he can touch him, can’t believe his skin is so soft. He coats his fingers with the lube, then kisses Niall softly as his hands trail between his legs, and Niall gasps out when he feels a cold finger against his hole, but he pushes back against it, wanting Zayn inside, to feel how it feels to be connected with Zayn like this.

“God, look at you,” Zayn whispers, and then he pushes a finger into Niall and  _ fuck _ .

“Ow,” Niall whispers before he can stop himself, and Zayn quickly looks up. 

“Should I stop?” he asks, and the way his eyes were so dark before, looking ready to just take what he wants, is gone. Niall thinks about asking him to, say that yes, he should but he also doesn’t want to do that so he shakes his head.

“No, no go on… please. Please.”

Zayn nods, and then he moves his fingers again, Niall thinks he adds a third after a while and the whole thing is making him feel like he is on fire and he wants him, needs him, he can’t believe it feels this good. The fingers work him open slowly and Niall never thought you could actually feel yourself loosen up like this, but Zayn’s fingers scissors him open so easily and Niall throws his head back, fingers and toes curling as he grabs the sheets to just feel like he can keep himself steady.

“Zayn… Zayn… fuck please, I’m ready…” he begs, and Zayn doesn’t move, he keeps fucking him with his fingers until Niall is almost sobbing.

“Zayn!”

“Eager,” Zayn murmurs and then finally, finally Niall feels Zayn pull out his fingers and see as he rolls a condom onto his length and Niall closes his eyes, preparing himself for the breach because he knows it will hurt.

His heart almost stops when Zayn enters him. He sees stars, the moon, and if there is pain he forgets it within seconds because he can’t believe Zayn is inside him. He’s been thinking of this for years and Zayn on top of him is everything Niall had dreamed and more. He almost can’t watch, pretty sure he would come just from the sight alone of Zayn hovering over him, hands gripping the headboard as he fucks into him harder and harder with each thrust and Niall might actually stop breathing.

“Zayn,” he whimpers, and he wraps his arms around his neck to keep him close in more ways than once, and Zayn kisses him hard, Niall can feel just how swollen his lips are from biting them and it turns him on even more.  _ Please don’t leave _ , Niall thinks.  _ Please don’t leave _ .

“Fuck,” Zayn grunts and he thrusts inside Niall three more times and then wraps a hand around Niall’s cock, jerking him off in time with the last of his thrusts and Niall isn’t sure how it happens but they come, at once, and Niall feels the orgasm slam into him as a brick wall and almost passes out when he spills himself between their bodies. Zayn collapses on top of him for a moment, catching his breath and Niall can’t breathe when he lays there but he doesn’t want him to move, doesn’t want him to stop touching him.

But of course he does. Niall should have known before they even started.

“I have to go, I have a plane to catch,” Zayn says, reaching for his shirt. “This was great, a good way to say bye for sure.”

Niall just stares at him. He can’t believe he just had sex with a boy, he can’t believe they did things they had only been talking about for two years, but he also really can’t believe that Zayn is actually leaving. Leaving the band. Leaving the boys. Leaving  _ him _ .

He wants to say something, beg him not to go but Zayn just throws Niall his clothes, clearly telling him to get dressed. Niall dresses, quietly, unsure what to do with himself because he’s never even had a one night stand, and he has never had something like what he had with Zayn, he isn’t sure what to do. He feels sore and used, and he isn’t sure what to do with himself. Zayn seems to decide for him, opening the door as soon as they both are dressed and motioning for Niall to leave.

“I’ll see you around,” he says, and then the door closes. It feels like the biggest lie of all.

 

For a moment Niall just stands there, staring at the door and then before he can stop himself he walks on shaky legs all the way to Harry’s room, hoping Louis won’t be there because he can’t deal with both of them right now. He uses the spare key card they have for each other’s rooms, not even bothering to knock  and thankfully only Harry is there. He is on the bed, watching some movie and it’s a bit dark in the room which is good for Niall, because he feels like a mess that doesn’t deserve to be seen.

“Niall, you scared me,” Harry laughs. “What’s up?”

“We had sex,” Niall whispers, and Harry sits up, suddenly, surprised by that even more than the fact that Niall is there. 

“What?”

Niall realises he is crying, and he isn’t sure why, and it feels so stupid to be standing in a doorway to a hotel room crying, but he can’t stop himself.

“He still left,” Niall whispers through the tears, and as Harry walks over wrapping his arms around him Niall hides his face against his chest. “He still left.”

“Oh Niall,” Harry whispers and he hugs Niall so tight that if it had been any other time Niall would have been worried about being deprived of oxygen but it doesn’t matter now, he can’t breathe anyway. “Oh my sweet, sweet, Niall.”

“How could he not tell me?” Niall cries into Harry’s shirt, wondering how it’s possible to suddenly feel like he is nothing but tears. “How could he not tell me?”

Part of him knows, and realisation just hits him again how he really is nothing special to Zayn, nothing else but a help to get off. 

“Niall… he is a bloody idiot,” Harry mumbles, pulling Niall even closer. “I’m so sorry, I…”

“I can’t believe we’ve been doing this for two years and he leaves just…” Niall bites his lip and shakes his head. “I can’t do this. I should go.”

“No, please stay, Louis and Liam are out, you can stay here, I’ll text Louis telling him to crash with Liam,” Harry says, quickly pulling Niall to the bed. “You can sleep here and you can tell me everything and I will try to make it feel better.”

“I don’t want to talk,” Niall mutters, wiping the tears from his eyes.

 

But he does, and after telling Harry everything, it does feel a little bit better.

  
  


**

  
  
  


When they have a break in their tour before starting the Europe tour, Niall is home in London for two days when there’s a knock on his door and Zayn is outside. At first Niall just stares at him, disbelief almost as if he isn’t sure what to expect from this. He hadn’t expected this at all. It’s been weeks since he heard anything from Zayn, anything at all and for him to just show up is making Niall both angry and he feels those annoying butterflies in his stomach again.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, it’s the only thing his mind can come up with. Zayn gives him half a smile, as everything with him is always half, he never gets all of it Niall thinks. Never sees all. Never gets to feel all. It’s always half with Zayn. He’s half there. “Thought you didn’t care about us.”

“Niall, come on,” Zayn rolls his eyes. “Are you going to let me in or?”

Niall doesn’t move.

“What are you doing here?” he asks again and glares at Zayn. He is honestly impressed with himself for resisting letting Zayn inside. Zayn sighs.

“I knew you had a break so, I thought…” he takes a step closer and Niall bites his lip. “Since we only had one chance to, you know… actually do something…”

Niall closes his eyes. 

“Z…”

“It was fun, don’t you think so?” Zayn mumbles. “Good. You, me… it was good.”

“Yeah, but…” Niall shakes his head. “We shouldn’t…”

“Why not?” Zayn asks, tilting his head and licking his lips and it’s absolutely not fair. It’s not. 

“Because you left,” Niall says and he isn’t sure why he grabs hold of Zayn’s arm, pulling him inside. It makes Zayn smirk though. “Because it would be weird.”

Zayn chuckles and his arms wrap around Niall. It’s as if no time has passed, and Niall absolutely hates himself for melting into the touch. He shouldn’t be doing this. 

“Is it weird?” he mumbles, looking at Niall through half closed eyes. 

“Yes,” Niall mumbles. “I’m mad at you.”

It’s so silly, absolutely ridiculous that he says that because it doesn’t even begin to describe all the things he feels. Zayn left and they haven’t spoken for weeks and Niall thought this was over. He thought Zayn had moved on, leaving him, leaving it all. Yet here he is, acting as if it’s just going to take a bit of a wink, a touch and Niall will somehow forget all of it. 

“Are you?” Zayn asks softly and Niall mutters.

“Yeah,” as he pulls Zayn close, kissing him all the way into his bedroom before he pushes him down on the bed. 

Their sex isn’t rough like last time, they take turns mapping out each others bodies and Niall can’t help but feel like it’s a whole different Zayn he is touching, and when Zayn comes with a little cry of Niall’s name, Niall is once again so overwhelmed over the fact that he can get Zayn to do this, that he almost passes out.

He allows himself just a moment post-orgasm to close his eyes, feel the familiar sleepy feeling wash over him and he wonders if Zayn will be gone when he opens his eyes again.

 

He isn’t.

 

When Niall looks over he notices Zayn is asleep. He blinks in surprise, he would have thought that Zayn would have left by now. He wonders if he should wake him but changes his mind and instead he lays down next to him. 

He knows none of this is real but when Zayn is breathing so calm next to him, Niall closes his eyes and allows himself that for just tonight, pretend that it is.

 

“Fuck, did I fall asleep?” 

Niall wakes up as Zayn in almost terror looks around. Niall yawns.

“Uhm… yeah,” Niall sits up. “You want tea?”

“God, I can’t believe I fell asleep, I’m sorry,” Zayn says and Niall can’t help but roll his eyes. 

“Not gonna kick you out, don’t worry. Tea?”

He climbs out of bed and walks into the kitchen without waiting for a reply, and when the tea is ready and he carries it back Zayn is still just sitting in the bed. He doesn’t seem to know what to do with himself but he looks almost ashamed.

“Zayn, it’s really okay,” Niall tells him, standing in the doorway for a moment just to look at him. “You fell asleep, so what?”

Zayn doesn’t say anything, and Niall arches an eyebrow.

“I don’t sleep well,” Zayn finally says as Niall puts the cup of tea down next to him. “Like, I haven’t… for a while.”

“Oh,” Niall hesitates before he sits down next to Zayn on the bed. “Are you, uhm, taking anything…”

There is a dark shade falling over Zayn’s face when he says that.

“No, no I… no,” he mumbles and shakes his head. “I just… been a rough couple of weeks, that’s all. I’ll get back into things.”

“Sleep is important, you know,” Niall tells him and he feels a slight hint of worry in his stomach. “Maybe you need…”

“I’m fine, really.” Zayn takes a sip of his tea.

“But Z…”

“I should go, thanks for the tea,” Zayn says, and clearly Niall said to much because Zayn starts looking through his clothes and gets dressed quickly. 

“You don’t have to rush out,” Niall tells him but Zayn just shrugs.

“I’m going out tonight so, I don’t have time to hang around. This was cool though, can I text you or something when we’re in the same town?”

Niall feels as if he’s being brushed off and asked out at the same time. He knows he should say no, that this should be the last time and they should stop this.

“Yes, of course,” he hears himself say though, and Zayn nods and then he is gone again.

“I miss you,” Niall whispers when the door is closed and he knows no one can hear him. 

  
  


**

 

“What, you hooked up again?” Harry asks, and Niall shrugs, trying to look as if this is not a big deal even if it is.

“Yeah, we… yeah.”

“And he apologised?”

Niall is quiet. Harry’s eyes widen.

“What, you’re saying he said nothing?”

“He doesn’t talk much when we…” Niall blushes, not sure why he feels so uncomfortable talking about this. “But no he… he’s never said anything like that.”

“He’s such a fucking prick!” Harry exhales, and his cheeks go that shade of red that Harry only gets when he’s angry, for real, and it’s a very rare sight. “God, I just wanna punch him.”

“Haz, please,” Niall hushes him. “I don’t want…”

“You’re sleeping with Zayn?”

Niall closes his eyes when he hears Louis’ voice. He had forgotten just how loud they were talking, forgotten that Louis could be walking in any moment. He swallows and he can hear Harry clearing his throat.

“You’re sleeping with Zayn?” Louis asks again, and Niall opens his eyes when Louis walks over to them, sitting down next to Harry on the sofa. “With  _ Zayn _ ?”

Niall thinks for a moment about trying to deny it but there is no chance he can, so instead he just nods.

“I… yeah.”

“What?” Louis’ eyes widen, and Niall isn’t sure why he suddenly is afraid that Louis might be pissed off about it. Louis isn’t though, he can hear it in his voice when he continues. “Since when?”

Niall looks down, suddenly very interested in playing with the hem of his shirt. 

“I’m uh… since… uhm…”

“Since Berlin,” Harry says instead, and Louis looks from one to the other.

“It was a long…” Louis’ eyes widen. “What since Berlin? 2013? 2 years ago?!”

Niall nods.

“Did you know he was going to leave?” Louis asks and Niall bites his lip.

“I… no…”

“You sleep together for two years and he didn’t tell you?”

“We never really actually…” Niall blushes hard, shaking his head. “Please can we not talk about this, please I…”

“He’s such a fucking ass I’m gonna kill him!” Louis’ voice rises with every word. “Niall, fuck, why didn’t you let me know?”

“Because I don’t want this to happen!” Niall whimpers, wishing he could have more power to his voice but he is tired. “Because I don’t want anyone to freak out about it. Because he is your best friend, I…”

“Oh he can bloody forget about friendship from me, How could he do this? Why was he hooking up with everyone else if he was dating you?”

Niall blushes, hard.

“We weren’t dating,” he said quickly. “We just… texted and… called and… lately hooked up. Never dated.”

“I’m gonna kick his ass,” Louis says, darkly, Harry putting a hand on his arm.

“Babe, please calm down.”

“I don’t want you to say anything, Louis please. It’s fine, I don’t…” Niall bites his lip. “I don’t feel anything like that for him, and he doesn’t feel anything for me so really… we’re adults and it’s my choice what I want to do and you don’t have to worry.”

He can tell Harry looks at him, knowing he is lying about his feelings, but he ignores that. Louis sighs.

“Fine, I won’t say anything to him.”

Niall stares.

“Do you promise?”

“I promise!” Louis raises his arms as if he surrenders. “Jeez, one would think you don’t think I can hold me tongue or something.”

Niall wants to argue, but he has no energy. 

“I gotta go back home, I’ll see you at the airport.”

They both hug him.

 

It takes one day, then Niall sees Louis’ indirecting tweets about Zayn in his feed. He can’t help but smile a little about it.

  
  


**

 

When One Direction go on hiatus Niall can’t help but think everything is changing, and maybe he shouldn’t keep things going with Zayn when he might as well just give himself something new entirely.

 

Then Zayn is at his house when he comes back from their performance after X Factor, and Niall wants to sigh, but he is also emotional already and seeing him there makes him feel good for just a moment about everything going on.

“Hi,” Zayn says, dropping his cigarette on the ground. “Are you okay?”

It’s the first time since he left the band, of all the times they have hooked up, that Niall feels a slight hint of care in his tone. 

  
  


2016

_ “somehow I’m to blame _

_ for this never-ending race track you call life” _

 

Niall sees the picture of Zayn and some model in Vogue, he is sure he knows her name but he forces himself to not remember, not look it up, not see the way Zayn’s arms are around her and how he kisses her. It’s hard enough with the videos, hard enough knowing Zayn is out there releasing music that is about all the people he’s been with, to see him so clearly only having Niall when it suits him.

 

Maybe this is it, Niall thinks for a moment. Maybe it’s the end of them and he is moving on, and Niall isn’t sure how to handle that information.

 

He is almost coming to terms with that when Zayn texts him, a simple  _ ‘we miss you _ ’ and attached is a very, very suggestive pic of Zayn’s naked body and Niall falls again. He asks him when he can come over, and Zayn is there in half an hour. They don’t even make it to the bed, or the sofa, Zayn rips Niall’s clothes off and takes him against the door and Niall almost cries when he comes, overwhelmed when Zayn moans his name as if it’s the only word he knows. 

 

They make it to the bed after though, and Niall almost forgets that they aren’t anything more than this when he traces Zayn’s tattoos with his fingertips for a good hour before Zayn leaves again.

  
  


**

 

**can I come over?**

 

**_sure, when?_ **

 

**now?**

 

**_okay_ **

 

“What a shit day,” Zayn complains when he comes in, it’s been raining for hours and Zayn is wet, it’s quite the look if Niall was asked. “Hug me.”

Niall can’t help but laugh and shake his head.

“No, no I won’t, you’re wet.”

Zayn pouts, holding his arms out.

“I’m cold and wet, just give me a cuddle.”

“You’re not here for a cuddle though,” Niall points out and Zayn smirks, pulling him closer to him despite Niall complaining over the wetness of his clothes.

“True.”

They fuck quick, hard, needy and rough, Niall bites down on Zayn’s shoulder leaving a mark and he can’t help but feel pleased knowing it will be there, as some sort of claim even after Zayn leaves.

When they are spent Niall feels like his entire body is made of jello, and he is about to roll over in bed to ask Zayn to stay a bit and massage him when he notices Zayn is already sitting up.

“I gotta go,” Zayn says, reaching for his jeans and Niall sits up, feeling a bit pushed away.

“Already?”

“Yeah, got a date tonight, need to shower and change and stuff,” Zayn winks and for a moment Niall wonders if this is an invite, as if this is Zayn asking  _ him _ out on a date but of course it isn’t. Of course not.

“Oh,” Niall feels as if his heart falls down to his feet and he shouldn’t allow this to happen every time Zayn leaves, yet here he is doing just that, again. “What’s her name?”

Zayn shrugs.

“The fuck I know, she was blonde I think.”

Niall rolls his eyes but Zayn doesn’t see, he is crawling on all fours trying to find his shirt. 

“You know, I don’t think we should do this anymore,” Niall says, surprising himself and Zayn when he hears the words coming from his mouth. Zayn looks up, pulling the shirt over his head.

“What, why not?”

“Well I don’t think it’s very nice to this other girl you’re seeing if we’re… doing this,” Niall tries to act as if this is a casual thing to say. Zayn snorts.

“Well then don’t tell her.”

“That’s not…”

“Niall,” Zayn groans. “I’m really, really not in the mood for some discussion about something that isn’t even serious, I am not gonna marry this chick and this between us means nothing right? So no harm, just a bit fun. Okay, gotta go, see you.” he leans forward, kissing Niall quickly and then he is gone as soon as he showed up.

Niall falls back on the bed, his hands covering his eyes.

Yeah, right.  _ Nothing. _

 

**

 

He goes out with Harry and Louis one night, and kisses a man who is everything Zayn is not, which reminds Niall just how he will never find anyone that makes him feel like that, and when the guy asks him to come home with him Niall chickens out and hides in the bathrooms.

 

Harry finds him later, wrapping an arm around him and looks at him with sad eyes.

“You’ve gotta stop doing this to yourself, Niall,” Harry says softly. “It’s breaking you, can’t you see?”

“No, I can’t…” Niall hides his face in his hands, groaning in frustration because it’s so hard, nothing has ever been this hard. “I know I should, but if I do that then I won’t have him at all, Harry. Not even one little bit. And isn’t that worse? Isn’t it worse than this?”

Harry looks as if he wants to say that yes, it is worse and that Niall should give it up, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I just don’t know what to do without him,” Niall says, and it feels like he breaks a little piece of himself every word coming out of his mouth. “I don’t know what to do when I don’t… It’s been years, Harry. I don’t even remember what I did before… I don’t think I ever felt anything before him. And if I tell him I want out, if I tell him… I know it doesn’t matter to him, I’m very aware he couldn’t care less about me, I know I’m just convenient but… what about me, Harry? I don’t know what…” his voice breaks, and he blinks furiously to stop the tears from falling. “I don’t know what I am without Zayn.”

“Niall…” Harry looks like he wants to cry now too, but he isn’t, he is holding himself together so that Niall won’t cry, and Niall is very grateful. He has not cried over Zayn like this since he left. He isn’t going to start again now.

“I don’t know what to do,” he repeats instead, and his voice is so wobbly he can almost feel it. “I don’t know what to do without him. There is no one like him, and I’m in love with him so much it hurts and he can’t even look at me twice.”

“Niall…” Harry whispers, and pulls Niall with him towards the cars, which Niall is grateful for. He can’t be in public right now, don’t want people to see him like this. “Don’t you think you are a bit wrong though? He comes back to you, he…”

“Because he knows I won’t tell, probably. Because he knows I’ll be here,” Niall says, his voice shaking just as his hands when he sits down in the car. “There’s nothing else, there never was, never will be.”

“Then you have to end it, god, Niall,” Harry pleads. “Please, you can’t let him use you like this anymore. Please, please, just try to not talk to him, okay? I know you can.”

Niall bites his lip hard and then nods, suddenly determined.

“Okay. Okay. I will.”

“I’ll help, delete his number,” Harry grabs Niall’s phone. “Can I?”

Niall nods.

“Yeah.”

 

He doesn’t tell Harry he already knows his number by heart, but he does feel determined to try to change this.

 

Niall ignores Zayn’s calls for about two weeks, and deletes the texts before he even reads them, and then he has a weak moment after a few too many pints one night and texts him asking where he is.

 

Zayn comes over before Niall can blink, and when he drops to his knees for him so easily Niall wonders just why they keep doing this, and why neither of them stops doing it. Says no. Questions it.

 

Niall comes two times from Zayn’s mouth and fingers that night, and he fucks Zayn up against the shower wall before he leaves, and when Zayn is gone it’s with no words spoken yet again. Nothing about what this is. What they are doing. Why Zayn keeps coming back. 

 

He sees Zayn’s photoshoot with the model weeks later and drinks until he passes out. When he wakes up and pukes until he can’t even breathe, he knows this needs to change.

  
  


**

 

Zayn comes over unannounced one night and Niall is for some reason home, and Zayn pulls him close almost desperately.

“Fuck, it’s been days, I missed you.”

“Zayn…” Niall closes his eyes and then pushes him away gently. “Stop.”

“What?” Zayn asks, bit surprised by it all and Niall can’t blame him, by now they are usually half undressed. “What’s the matter?”

“I don’t want to,” Niall shrugs, wrapping his arms around himself and moves away a bit further from Zayn. 

“Why?” Zayn tilts his head, letting his eyes wander over Niall’s body as if he is trying to scan him for reasons why he is saying no. Niall is quiet, and so is Zayn.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Niall finally says, and saying those words makes him feel a relief he isn’t sure he has ever felt in his life before. Zayn looks up, surprised.

“What?”

“This, you, me…” He can’t say  _ us _ , even if he wants to. There never was an us, there was him and there was Zayn but they never were an  _ ‘us _ ’. Never. “I can’t do it anymore. It’s breaking me.”

“Brea…” 

Niall can’t really look at Zayn but he can hear there’s a tremble in his voice, as if it’s close to breaking, but he isn’t sure if that’s what it is. 

“This is just not working, and I think it’s better if we just… don’t do it.”

“Niall, come on…” Zayn protests but for the first time in 3 years Niall can finally feel strength when he looks at Zayn.

“You have a girl now. I don’t know what you are exactly, but you have a girl.”

“Ni…”

“I just don’t like the idea of helping you cheat,” he says, hoping Zayn will buy this, hoping Zayn will think that this is the only reason and not the fact that Niall has been in love with him since he was 19 years old and can’t handle the fact that Zayn doesn’t feel the same. “It’s not me. I’m just not that kind of guy and it’s better if we just… don’t.”

“Oh come on Niall, I told you it’s not like that, you know I date…”

“I don’t want to do this anymore, what don’t you understand?” Niall spits out. “Did you really get this dumb just from a year away from us?”

Zayn takes a bit back, clearly surprised by the harshness of his words and Niall is a bit surprised too, but happy he said that. He sighs.

“I’m going on a trip… and I don’t plan on using my phone much and I don’t…” Niall pauses. “So really, you can’t contact me anyway but, even if you could, please don’t.”

Zayn looks like he wants to protest at first, but then he sighs and when he meets Niall’s eyes, it’s with his normal eyes, the cold and distant ones, the one Niall hates.

“Fine, whatever.”

“Fine.”

Zayn leaves and Niall wonders if that is the last he will see of him.

 

Niall leaves for his trip, and he doesn’t think of Zayn, he only works on his music. And when he releases his first solo single, he doesn’t think of Zayn at all. And when Harry and Louis ask if his song might be about Zayn, he ignores them.

 

To Harry though, when he is weak one night, he admits what he can barely admit to himself, that he isn’t sure how this is going to work. That being without Zayn is the hardest thing he has ever had to do, ever.

  
  
  
  


2017

_ “why is it only you i’m thinking of?” _

 

Locking himself into a studio and focusing only on work gets Niall through most of the beginning of 2017 without thinking much about how he hasn’t talked to Zayn for months. He is starting to feel relieved with it, almost, wondering if maybe this could mean he is over him when everything changes in February.

 

Valentine’s day comes around, and with Harry and Louis loved up, Liam loved up and all his other friends  seeming to be loved up as well, Niall starts feeling a tiny bit bitter when it’s the 14th and he has no plans at all. It’s not that he cares. Not in the slightest.

Just that maybe he wonders what Zayn is doing and if the other is thinking of him just like Niall, despite trying his best, can’t stop thinking about him. Not for real.

 

He is so busy walking down the streets of London where he decided would be best to be right now, so busy thinking about how he isn’t thinking about Zayn, when he walks right into him.

When Niall realises it’s him, he honestly can’t believe it. Of all people, in all cities, he has to run into  _ Zayn _ . It makes him wish he had stayed on the other side of the world, or out in a forest somewhere where no one could find him. 

Zayn looks just as surprised, and for a moment it’s awkward. Of course it’s awkward. Then Zayn speaks.

“Hey.”

“I need coffee,” is Niall’s response, and in panic he walks into the nearest Starbucks as if that would fix anything, as if Zayn wouldn’t follow him. Of course he does though, of course. 

“Niall, you don’t have to run from me,” Zayn tells him as Niall orders his coffee, very much wanting to say that yes, he does have to run from him.

“Well, I’m in a hurry, gotta get back to the studio,” Niall lies, paying for his coffee and then forces himself to turn around to face Zayn. God, he looks good. His hair is different again, and his face looks fuller  like he’s been feeling better for a while, and his arms are, as always very good arms, and Niall wonders if Zayn thinks anything of him. He can’t tell, as he always felt that he wore all his feelings on his sleeve, Zayn shows nothing he might be thinking. 

“But it’s Valentine’s day,” Zayn comments and Niall says nothing.

There is a pause when Niall walks out from the shop, and Zayn follows him again.

“You’re alone on Valentine’s day,” Zayn speaks slowly, and his voice is like honey, it’s not helping Niall at all. He grips his cup of coffee. 

“Well it’s just a commercial holiday anyway, I don’t…”

“Oh, I didn’t mean it as… like that,” Zayn quickly says. “Just… forget I said anything.”

“Guess you have a date?” Niall asks and Zayn looks guilty for a moment.

“Uhm, well… yeah,” he mutters and Niall rolls his eyes so that he can’t see.

“Know her name this time?”

“Hey,” Zayn nudges Niall’s arm and god, it shouldn’t be all that it takes for Niall to go mush. He feels like an addict, that has been clean for months and now is thinking of relapsing. He is not going to. He is not going to let Zayn get to him. “Come on, it’s been ages since I saw you. Do you really have to get to the studio now?”

Niall wonders why he is being so stubborn but he sighs and nods.

“Yes, I do.”

Zayn looks disappointed and in a weak moment Niall adds. “But you can come with, if you want.” and Zayn’s whole face lights up.

 

Niall has shown the other three boys a lot of his songs now and then, when he needs inspiration and feedback, and of course he has shown all the people he works with, but Zayn is the first person who  feels a bit like an outsider now to him that he lets into the studio. He worries for a moment someone else might be there but of course not, it’s Valentine’s day after all, so Niall happily lets Zayn in, starting up the systems as he starts look through the latest demos. He isn’t really sure what he is doing, because this was really just an excuse and now Zayn is sitting next to him and Niall is very, very aware of how long it’s been since Niall was this close to Zayn. He opens up a folder, going through the songs there and his heart is beating fast.

“Is this your album?” Zayn asks, and part of Niall wants to tell him to not look. Mostly because he doesn’t like people hearing the songs before they are finished, and because half of him is worried Zayn might find out they are about him. 

“Only a few songs ready,” he says, his hand trembling a little when he moves the cursor. 

“Can I listen to one?” Zayn asks and Niall wants to say no, that he can’t, but then he looks at Zayn and he sounds so excited about it so Niall sighs. 

“Yes, of course, here.”

He clicks on  _ Too Much To Ask _ without thinking, giving Zayn the headphones so he can hear it properly. 

There is a moment when their hands touch and Niall feels himself go weak in the knees. If he ever thought he was over Zayn, that all disappears now. He clears his throat, moving away a bit just as Zayn listens.

Zayn listens to music in the same way he has conversations. It’s hard to tell what he is thinking, but he looks truly like he is focused on it, listening to every word and Niall feels so, so nervous because he is not sure what he will do if Zayn thinks it’s bad, if he doesn’t like it. He shouldn’t be so desperate for Zayn’s approval and yet he is. 

When the song finishes, Zayn looks over at him, lips slightly parted as he takes off the headphone.

“You wrote that?” he asks, and Niall bites his lip before nodding.

“Wow,” Zayn whispers, running a hand through his hair. “Wow, Niall that’s… wow. It’s a… brilliant song, really.”

“It’s not finished yet,” Niall blushes as he glances away from Zayn’s eyes. “Needs more vocals and… backgrounds and…”

“It’s great,” Zayn puts a hand on his thigh and Niall wants to cry. “It’s really gonna be great.”

“Thanks,” Niall says and moves a little bit so that Zayn’s hand fall off his thigh. “You uhm, wanna hear something else?”

They spend an hour in the studio, listening to the songs Niall’s working on, Zayn talking about his music and for a moment Niall almost forgets everything that has happened between them.

When it’s time to leave, Niall moves in for an awkward handshake and Zayn looks at him before pulling him in for a hug.

Niall never knew hugs could feel the way they feel with Zayn. He hugs him as if Niall is everything, and it hurts even more when Niall knows he isn’t. He smells the same, familiar perfume, the slight hint of cigarettes, and Zayn’s skin is warm and intoxicating and Niall is in love with him, he is still so in love with him it doesn’t even make sense how a person can feel this way.

“I… uh.. would you mind if maybe I… contact you sometime again?” Zayn asks when they pull away from each other. Niall shakes his head.

“I guess that’s fine.”

Zayn looks relieved. 

“See you around,” Zayn mumbles with a smile and Niall nods, before they leave their separate ways.

 

Niall is home for almost an over when there’s a knock on his door and Zayn is outside.

“That was soon,” Niall can’t help but say and laugh a little. “Did you.. forget something?”

Zayn shrugs.

“No, I just… you want some company? Can I come in? I brought some cupcakes.” he holds up a bag and Niall bites his lip, amused as he steps to the side to let Zayn inside.

“You had the date,” Niall says, walking over to sit down on his sofa again. “Remember? The date we talked about like, an hour ago?”

Zayn shrugs and then he is quiet, Niall arching an eyebrow waiting for some kind of response.

“Eh… I’m not going,” Zayn finally says, and Niall blinks in surprise.

“What? It was an important date, you said it was.”

“I never said that!” Zayn defends himself and okay, maybe it was true that he never said that but Niall figured that when it’s Valentine’s, it is important. I’m really not feeling it,” Zayn continues, shrugging and he walks over to sit next to Niall. “You wanna play Mario Kart or something?”

Niall arches an eyebrow and he wants to ask questions but he also can’t help but just be very, very endeared by the fact that Zayn wants to play Mario Kart. And he wonders why he is staying, but he also doesn’t want to even think of the reasons for that. He just wants to enjoy. He thinks about asking again, just to make sure but then he remembers that he has spent the last four years thinking about just how badly he wants to be Zayn’s choice and even if it probably just is because Zayn is bored, he is going to take the chance.

“Sure,” Niall says, getting two controllers. “I’m Yoshi.”

“Hah, cute, but no,” Zayn gives him a glare as he starts the game with a smile. “I’m Yoshi.”

 

Niall loses every single race but it doesn’t matter when Zayn falls asleep on his shoulder when they watch a movie later.

  
  


**

 

The next day Niall spends three hours over-thinking what actually happened last night before he calls Harry so he can help him out with this, and Harry invites him over right away.

 

When Niall arrives there’s tea and scones and Niall is very blessed, and he wastes no time getting all his thoughts out on what happened.

“It was just really weird,” Niall says, shaking his head when he moves so he is sitting more comfortably on the sofa. “He said he had a date and then he just… didn’t?”

“Sounds very weird,” Harry agrees and sips his tea. “Did you do anything before that?”

“I played him a few of my songs, I guess,” Niall shrugs, trying to think back. “And we talked, but I don’t know, nothing special I think.”

Harry keeps sipping his tea and then Niall sees his forehead turning just slightly pink and realisation hits Niall.

“Haz?”

“What?” Harry asks, refusing to meet Niall’s eyes and that’s when he knows.

“You told him,” Niall says as he tries to not explode when he gets it “You told him. You told him I like him.”

Harry shakes his head, but he looks so guilty Niall knows it’s true.

“I can’t believe you told him.”

“Niall, he figured it out hims…”

“You promised it was between us!” Niall shouts, and he is angry in a way he hasn’t felt before, scared in ways he didn’t know as possible. “You promised, Harry. I fucking trusted you, and you…”

“Ni…”

“So is that why he skipped the date then, because he felt sorry for me? I don’t need you to…”

“Oh Niall for Christ’s sake!” Harry stops him, gripping his shoulders as if Niall is an impossible child. “You’ve been with him for four years, Niall. Four fucking years! Do you really, really think he doesn’t feel anything for you? Seriously? Because then Horan, newsflash, you’re not as smart as you want everyone to think you are. He likes you!”

“Shut up,” Niall tries to pull away from Harry’s grip. “He doesn’t. He dates everyone that breathes, he…”

“Yet you’re the one he comes back to year, after year, after year!” Harry doesn’t let go, and he glares at Niall in that way that makes it impossible to look away from his eyes, even though you want to. “Every month, Niall. I’ve heard enough from you talk about this that I know this isn’t just something that happened occasionally. It happens regularly. And you talk about things. And yes he might date and yes he fucks around because he’s Zayn! He doesn’t want to get hurt, don’t you get it? He’s stupid!”

Niall stares and Harry stares back and then he sighs.

“He texted me, okay? When he was with you… he texted me asking if I know… what you feel, if your songs were… about him.” Harry whispers. “He wondered if Too Much To Ask was about him and I asked him… what he thought, and if he has been blind, and he… I guess he made a choice.”

Niall suddenly feels like he is going to be sick.

“He can’t do that.”

Harry bites his lip.

“Niall, I think he likes you.”

“No, no no,” Niall stands up and it’s weird, because for so long he has been feeling nothing but wishing that Zayn would like him back, but now, knowing that he might he is feeling more freaked out than ever before. “He can’t do that.”

“Ni…”

“What, he hears a song and then what, he is gonna act like that is… suddenly gonna change anything and that… is that what you’re saying?” Niall stands up and Harry follows, trying to grab his arm but Niall pulls away.

“No, Niall of course that’s not what I’m saying, you need to have a conversation, a real one, because I think both of you need that. You need to finally talk about this like… adults!” Harry tells him and Niall shakes his head.

“No, no. Thanks for the tea, I… no.”

He rushes to the door.

“Niall!” Harry calls after him but he doesn’t look back.

 

**

 

Niall ignores Zayn’s calls and texts, and when Louis and Harry try to get him to talk to Zayn, he ignores them too, focusing only on work. Performing, doing interviews, writing more songs. He does everything he can to not think about Zayn. Zayn with feelings, without feelings.

He doesn’t want to think about it.

  
  


**

 

Niall is half way through his tour when there is a knock on his door.

He doesn’t even have to open the door to know it’s Zayn. He knows how he knocks. He’s gotten used to it. 

What he is not used to though, is Zayn’s face like this. He has never seen him like this before. Zayn looks like a wreck, he looks pale with red eyes, and almost in panic when Niall opens the door.

“Please, just hear me out,” he says quickly as if he knows Niall was just about to close the door in his face again. “Please.”

“I don’t want to talk,” Niall tells him, but Zayn takes a step inside and Niall doesn’t stop him. 

“I’ve been an idiot Niall, fuck, I’ve been an absolute fucking idiot.”

Niall doesn’t say anything.

“Like, out of all idiots in the world I’m the biggest. I’ve been so fucking stupid.”

Niall still doesn’t say anything, thinking he might as well go on just a little bit longer. 

“I’ve been… dumb and… stupid, I’ve been… god, I’ve acted like such a jerk, haven’t I?”

“Go on,” Niall tells him, leaning against the doorway. 

Zayn lets out a little chuckle, a wet one, and he wipes his eyes.

“I didn’t know… I should have known but I… I didn’t understand, I didn’t know you liked me I really… I really thought we were just, you know… hooking up.”

“Brilliant,” Niall moves to close the door. “Bye, Zayn.”

“No!” Zayn stops him, shaking his head. “I know it was stupid, I know I should have figured out you felt more. That I felt more. Niall, we need to talk about this. We need to talk… about us.”

There it is. Niall doesn’t want to tear up from hearing it but to hear Zayn talk about the two of them as ‘us’ does things to him. He gets weak.

“There’s no us,” he whispers. Zayn closes his eyes.

“Stop. I want it to be. Can’t you see? Why do you think I’m here?”

“Because you feel bad? Because you’re stubborn?” Niall says, voice a bit more cold than he had intended. “It can’t be because you feel things Zayn, you’ve proven to me over and over again how you really don’t.”

“Would you stop being so…” Zayn shakes his head. “Okay I didn’t say anything but you didn’t either, okay? Neither of us did. When I said it wasn’t serious you agreed.”

“I haven’t slept with anyone else but you for four years!” Niall spits out. “You knew this, Z. You knew I only had you but you were out with anyone that just looked at you, always someone knew, I had to hear it constantly from others, from you… so excuse me if I didn’t feel like going, ‘hey, by the way Zayn? Been in love with you for years, thought you should know’.” he shakes his head furiously. “God, if this was all you were coming here for, you might as well go.”

Zayn looks ready to cry.

“You’ve been… for years?” he whispers and Niall feels so stupid and he wants to take it back but he can’t.

“Of course I have. You heard my songs. You know they are about you.”

“Niall, I don’t want to do it like this anymore,” Zayn shakes his head and gives Niall a pleading look. “I’m done with everything else, okay? I’ve been an idiot long enough for not realising… I want us to try this, for real.”

Niall shakes his head.

“I can’t do that.”

Zayn has tears in his eyes now. They get stuck in his eyelashes and Niall wants to hug him. He won’t.

“Niall please…”

“How do I know that you won’t just be back with anyone else as soon as you leave here again?” Niall whispers. His heart is beating so fast and he wants to cry because a part of him really wants to jump in Zayn’s arms. Jump up into him, get lost in those eyes, that skin, have Zayn hold him forever until nothing can come between them. “I can’t keep getting my heart broken by you. I can’t keep breaking because you only want me when you’re desperate.”

“It was never about that,” Zayn shakes his head. “Niall it was never…”

“You said it meant nothing, you never treated it like anything else, so how do you expect me to just stand here and believe it now?” Niall asks him and honestly, he wants a reward for being able to stand up to him like this. He thinks Harry would be proud. “I can’t do that.”

“Because I’m done with all that, okay?” Zayn shakes his head and his hair falls into his eyes, he brushes it away with the back of his hand. “I’m done. I won’t do anything with another person ever again, I just… I want to be with you, why do you think I’m here? I want to be with you.”

Niall is quiet, just looking at Zayn and Zayn looks back. It’s a miracle he doesn’t melt.

“I want it to be a month,” Niall whispers, and he is not sure where he found the courage for demands now as well, but here he is. “A month… without you seeing anyone else… without you seeing me… and then… maybe we can have a discussion.”

“I… anything,” Zayn whispers, not even complaining about it or questioning it. “Anything, just… if you hear me out, I’ll go months, I…”

“A month,” Niall repeats. “I want to see that this is not just… you know. I want to see that you mean it.”

“I mean it,” Zayn nods. “God, Ni… I mean it.”

“A month,” Niall repeats once more. “Go a month, and we will see.”

  
  


**

 

Niall is a bit late for the performance at the radio station and he is rushing through the hotel room, trying to make sure he’s got everything he needs when he once again hears a familiar knock. He opens the door without thinking and Zayn is standing out there, wearing a soft hoodie and a determined look on his face, and Niall stops breathing for a moment, just looking at him.  _ Shit. _

“I checked my calendar,” Zayn says slowly and Niall can’t breathe, he feels dizzy, he isn’t even sure what is going on right now. Only that Zayn is here, looking divine, and he is everything Niall wants. “It’s been a month.”

“Uh…” Niall whispers, not able to form any words. Zayn takes a step closer to him.

“Actually it’s been more than a month. One month and three days.” 

Niall takes a step closer this time, Zayn drawing him in, he’s like a moth to a flame and the flame is Zayn. He can’t resist it. He doesn’t want to either. 

Zayn’s hand cups his face now, brushing his thumbs over Niall’s cheekbones and Niall closes his eyes, melting into the touch, feeling like every fiber of his being has come alive now that Zayn is here. Nothing else matters, nothing. Zayn moves even closer, his hands now going down Niall’s body and Niall wants to beg him to touch him more, beg him to just take him, but he can’t form words, he can’t even breathe.

“The cells… you know the body’s cells, they get replaced…” Zayn’s hands move to his shirt, unbuttoning it slowly and Niall knows, he knows he doesn’t have time for this but he can’t stop, he doesn’t want to stop. “Like, so you can say every month or so you get new skin.”

“Uh-huh…” Niall whimpers, not sure why they are talking about this. Zayn drops his lips to his neck, kissing his way down slowly, working his way even lower when he unbuttons each of Niall’s buttons.

“you have skin I haven’t touched…” Zayn whispers. “I don’t want you to have skin that doesn’t know my lips. I want to be all over you. I want your skin to remember me. I want to be on you.”

“Zee…” Niall whimpers as he feels his eyes fill with tears because he isn’t sure if this is romance, but it feels like nothing in the world has ever been more romantic than this. “Zee…”

“I love you,” Zayn whispers, and he says it like a breath of air, says it with every feeling that exists in the world, he says it as simple as he does everything else when it comes to Niall, but he has never said it before. “I love you so much, Niall. With my whole heart. With everything I am. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone.”

“Zayn,” Niall whimpers and he wants to cry, he isn’t sure what to do other than grab at Zayn’s clothes, pulling him even closer.

“Just hear me out please, okay?” Zayn’s voice is still nothing more than a whisper as he pushes Niall’s shirt off him, and Niall lets out a soft moan. “I don’t want you to think I’m doing this because I just want to get off. I don’t want you to think I’m using you. I feel like I’ve been nothing but an idiot for four years, and I want to make it up to you. I want you to see how much I love you. How perfect I think you are. And how no one else comes close, Ni. No one else comes close. They never did. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were the one.”

“You can’t say that,” Niall whimpers. “If that was true you could have said something sooner… you could have… I was with you for years, Zayn. The only one… I’ve never been with anyone the way I was with you.”

“I know…” Zayn whispers. “I have no good explanation other than… I was so scared, Niall. I never let anyone… get really close, you were the first one I wanted to get close to like that and.. I know it doesn’t make it right. Just… please, please forgive me. I love you. Please.”

Niall looks at him, and he lets out a sob because there is no way he can ever handle this without falling, without giving in, and when Zayn looks into his eyes he sees nothing but truth. 

“God, kiss me,” he pulls Zayn closer and when their lips meet everything makes sense. He kisses Zayn like it’s their first kiss and Zayn kisses him back just as that, and everything else is forgotten when Niall’s hands slip under Zayn’s shirt, touching his skin as Zayn pulls him with him towards the bedroom.

They’ve had sex so many times and done so much, yet they have never done anything they are doing right now. Zayn takes his time, taking Niall’s clothes off so carefully, like they have all the time in the world which they really don’t right now, but Niall doesn’t care. 

“I love you,” Zayn kisses Niall’s neck. “So much,” he kisses down his chest, trailing his tongue over his abs, and Niall believes him, he believes every word, the lot. 

“Zayn…” Niall whimpers and he feels like he is going to start crying when Zayn moves to lay on top of him, kissing him again as their bodies are completely lined up with each other as if they fit, as if they are meant to be.

Niall thinks they might be.

Zayn opens him up slowly, with two fingers, then three, taking his time until Niall is whimpering underneath him and he rolls the condom on slowly, lining himself up before pushing himself inside and it’s been so long, it feels like forever ago, yet Niall doesn’t even feel like his body fights it. He gasps, wrapping his arms around Zayn’s neck and rolls his hips to meet with Zayn’s slow, thorough thrusts, and Niall can feel every inch of him. It’s not even sex, it’s nothing like that, it’s love making, it’s becoming one, and Niall wonders if it can be seen on his face just how much he feels. Zayn laces their fingers together, kissing Niall with passion and Niall moans against his lips. 

“I love you,” Zayn whispers again, as if he can’t stop saying it, as if he needs to remind Niall of it every minute, every second and Niall doesn’t mind, not right now.

“C-close…” he whispers, and Zayn nods.

“Me too.”

It’s over too soon because Niall has been going too long without this, and so has Zayn clearly, and even if Niall wishes it could last forever he is reminded, as soon as they both lay gasping after their orgasm that he is supposed to be doing a radio performance in 30 minutes.

“Shit, I have to go,” he curses, rolling out of bed with a bit of a grimace as he tries to find his clothes. 

“Can I come with?” Zayn asks, getting dressed to and for a moment Niall hesitates but then he nods, a little nervous smile spreading on his lips.

“Yeah… yeah of course you can,” he tells him softly. “We can, uhm, talk more in the car.”

 

When they walk outside Zayn laces their fingers together as if he has no worries in the world about this. Niall can’t help but think that he doesn’t either. 

 

If anyone at the station or in Niall’s team wonders why Zayn is there, they don’t ask him. And when Niall performs, Zayn is sitting there watching and Niall can’t believe this is not a dream. He sings Flicker and wonders if there’s a tear in Zayn’s eye, but for the first time when he sings it, he doesn’t feel like he wants to cry about it.

 

**

 

Niall curls up in Zayn’s arms on the couch and it feels so natural. Zayn kisses his temple, brushing his fingers over his arm. It’s the softest thing Niall has ever felt, their whole being with each other feels like coming home.

“You want to say something,” Zayn whispers, leaning in to kiss his lips soft, slow, everything Niall has been wanting. “Go on.”

Niall glances down, not sure if he wants to but then he looks up.

“When you left… it really broke me,” Niall whispers. “I thought… you didn’t care, at all. And now after everything, after getting distance from it… it still breaks me because I feel like I should have seen it coming. I should have seen you weren’t… okay.”

Zayn’s eyes widen when he looks down at Niall, and then he looks away.

“I… it’s okay Niall, I never spoke much about it.”

“But you did,” Niall disagrees. “You talked to me and I… I think I just didn’t realise it was that bad and… I should, shouldn’t I? I should have realised it was that bad.”

“Niall, I… I wasn’t very good at talking about things,” Zayn shakes his head, lacing their fingers together and brings them to his mouth. He kisses each of Niall’s left fingers once, but leaves his lips for a bit on the ring finger and Niall tries not to think about it too much. “If I had been better… maybe things would have been different. Not just with us, with the band too… but it’s in the past. I’ve spent enough time in therapy now to learn not to dwell on it.” he laughs softly and Niall reaches up so he can kiss him.

“Zayn…” Niall whispers softly. “I really… I’m still sorry.”

Zayn cups his cheek. 

“Me too. I’m sorry for not saying that I love you sooner. I’m sorry for not just… asking you to be my boyfriend back then.”

Niall’s heart beats faster.

“Are we boyfriends?”

Zayn gives him a smirk.

“I think we are, if you want. Do you?”

Niall nods a bit too fast, feeling a bit ridiculous. 

“Y-yes. I mean. If you want.”

Zayn responds with a kiss that makes Niall actually feel like he is floating on clouds with the cheesiest background music one can find.

But it’s okay.

  
  


**

 

“So….” Niall bites his lip. “What do you think?”

Harry leans back in his chair. 

“I don’t know,” he says, shaking his head with a suspicious look on his face. “Not convinced.”

“I kind of still want to punch him,” Louis adds.

“Guys, I’m sitting right here,” Zayn protests.

“Shut up,” Louis dismisses him with his hand. “We have a lot to think about here. You hurt Niall pretty bad, Z.”

“Really bad,” Harry adds. “You were a fucking idiot, to be fair.”

“I take ‘fucking idiot’ and raise it to ‘really stupid fucking idiot’” Louis says but he is grinning now and Niall knows he is teasing. It makes him feel relieved.

“I think you’ll have pretty babies,” Liam says and Harry starts laughing at that.Niall blushes, not even daring to look at Zayn.

“Payne, shut up.”

“I say we celebrate,” Louis says, standing up to go over to the liquor cabinet. “Since it’s something we should have celebrated years ago, we have years of drinking to make up for. So come on, glasses!”

 

Niall is getting some fresh air out on the balcony after talking to the others for a bit, he is pleasantly buzzed from the drinks and just in general, his life, feeling like it’s coming together. He is just watching the stars when he feels Zayn’s arms sneaking around his waist and he giggles a little when he leans back against him. 

“Hi boyfriend,” Zayn whispers, kissing his neck and Niall wonders if he will ever tire of hearing Zayn call him that.

“Hi you,” he mumbles back, tilting his head so Zayn can kiss the corner of his mouth. “Did you miss me?”

“Always,” Zayn whispers, and he hugs Niall even tighter. “Do you love me?”

Niall closes his eyes and then opens them again, looking at the stars and then looking at Zayn, thinking for a moment they are not so different from each other. 

“Forever.”

 

2018

_ “when I look down the line at the man I wanna be _

_ I've always known from the start that it ends with  _

_ you and me” _

  
  


“How many golf clubs can a person have?” Zayn asks, unpacking the third set of clubs. Niall looks innocent.

“I don’t have that many…”

“Oh my god there are even more in here!” Zayn sounds absolutely distraught by it, as if he is uncovering Niall’s dirty secrets or skeletons or something. “Oh god, I’m moving in with a complete, crazy person! I change my mind, I’m out of here!”

He drops the clubs and makes a run for the door but Niall giggles and catches him in his arms, giving him a soft kiss.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

“Niall Horan, is that a threat?” Zayn asks with a grin as he returns the kiss, wrapping his arms around his waist. “Because I could turn you over to the police.”

Niall rolls his eyes.

“You’d never.”

“Try me.”

They kiss again before Niall pulls away, laughing.

“Come on, you need to keep looking, there’s more in that box.”

“I swear to god, if it’s a set of golf clubs with my name on it because you think I’m gonna start playing I’m leaving you for real,” Zayn says darkly but he pulls Niall so close when he says it, as if he wasn’t ready for Niall to pull away. Niall kisses him again but then really pushes him back to the box.

“Go on.”

Zayn rolls his eyes but then he moves over to the box again, starting to dig through it with a hum,

“What is it I’m looking for anyway?”

“You’ll know.”

“God, this is some prank isn’t it? There’s going t….”

Niall nervously bites his lip when Zayn goes quiet, knowing he must have found it.

“Niall, what is this?” Zayn asks, his voice trembles and he turns around, holding the little black box in his hand. “What…”

“Open it,” Niall whispers, and his heart is beating so fast now, and he has never been more nervous in his whole life. Nothing else can compare to this. 

Zayn opens the box, and as soon as his eyes see the thin silver ring, he clasps a hand over his mouth, stopping a sob from coming out as his eyes fill with tears.

“Ni…”

Niall gets down on one knee. Zayn stares in almost disbelief, but the most Niall can see is the tears in his eyes and the way his eyes tremble.

“Okay, I need you to… not interrupt me, and my knee already hurts so, please don’t let me stay like this for longer than I have to.”

Zayn lets out a wet chuckle, but he nods, staying quiet, and Niall takes a breath. He’s gone over this so many times in his head, but right now it feels like he is forgetting everything. He clears his throat.

“Zayn… I know some people might say… this is soon or, we’re going too fast, or something else that just proves they know nothing. They don’t know how I feel when I’m with you. They don’t know what I’ve felt for years. I feel every day when I wake up next to you that this is how I want the rest of my life to be, and when I can’t be with you I just miss you more than I have ever missed anyone. I know you are the love of my life, I’ve loved you since I was 19, I’ve loved you in ways I didn’t know you could love and there is no doubt in my mind that you are the one for me. The one and only, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I feel like we’ve been wasting enough time being stupid, and I don’t want to wait. You are the one I want to spend my life with and I want to start now, for real. So…” he takes a deep breath, hoping his voice won’t crack. “Zayn Malik, will you marry me?”

Zayn is quiet.

“Please say something, my knee really hurts,” Niall says with a shaky giggle and Zayn starts laughing, pulling Niall up from the floor and into his arms, kissing him passionately.

“God, god, oh god of course yes, yes, I’ll marry you,” Zayn whimpers and when Niall feels his tears against his cheek, he starts crying too. 

“Oh my god I can’t believe… I was so afraid you would think I was an idiot,” he says as he takes the ring, slipping it onto Zayn’s finger and it causes Zayn to laugh.

“Yes, of course I’d say no and think you were an idiot, that’s why I’ve been walking around with this for weeks,” he says and then reaches into his back pocket, fishing out a ring almost just like the one Niall gave him.

Niall’s eyes widen.

“Is that…”

“Guess you beat me to it,” Zayn says sheepishly as he takes Niall’s left hand, and again kissing his ring finger just like he does now and then, and slips the ring onto Niall’s finger. it fits perfectly. “But it’s okay, I forgive you.”

“Oh my god,” Niall cries and he wraps his arms around Zayn’s neck with a giggle as they kiss again. “I can’t believe you were going to do that.”

“I love you,” Zayn whispers. “With all my heart. Forever.”

“Always.”

“It’s you and me,” Zayn mumbles against his lips. “You and me.”

“Until the very end, Zayn Malik,” Niall whispers back as he closes his eyes. “Until the very end.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> stream flicker on spotify!! and come talk to me about ziall, rainbowpinharry @ tumblr/twitter


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